crazy little freak

Posted: February 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

people say loneliness can be a choice, i guess this choice is now here!

they all crawl out of me. All the darkness!

anger…after all i still cant forgive whatever happened that made me cry. I resent every little thing. When my tears came pouring down, it was when my world was tearing apart, for whatever reason, for whatever cause. But so little the people who made me cry know, those tears were like lava scaring through every part and bit of my heart and soul. I was so afraid I could never forgive whoever made it happened.

to somebody my tears were like jokes to them and for some reason it comforted them because of the pain they knew it was cutting through me. They swallowed all of my pride, all of my ego through those tears and they felt…satisfied.

my pride, they were my pride. You only put your pride down for the person you love, right?! Have you ever done it for anyone? put your pride down, cried for them, begging them to stay with you…even when your heart was shattered, even when you felt so lonely in their company, but you still wanted to stay with them?

i told myself i didn’t try hard enough, to make it work. I always thought, i didn’t try hard enough. So i swallowed everything i felt just to keep trying. But you know, one day it still shattered and the person who always said she loved you, could not even stop giving up for once so she could stand there right in the middle of the crisis and help me, help herself. No she could never stop giving up, because she loved her craziness and she loved to break apart, to break me apart when I needed her the most. She could never endure me for a one little thing. And how many time I had to swallow my pride to stand right in the middle of her madness to keep her with me?! She still thought I dont love her you know.

She was always mad. She was mad even when I tried to help her. She was mad even when I needed her to care for me. She was mad even when I needed her to stay with me. She was still mad even when I pour my heart out to show her who I was, to open myself wide so she could see every bit of me. She didnt like what she saw and she got even madder. She was mad even when I put my pride down to her feet to beg her to stay with me. She was mad, mad with anything, everything. My pride, my dignity, that was all I got. The things that mattered so much to me. The things that I never hardly put down for anyone but I put them down for her and she still could not see it. She still could not stop her own madness to save herself, save me and this relationship for once. For once, and she still could not do it.

my sorrow is now me and i resent her everyday. I hate everything she said and I hate every wrong she’d done that made me cry. I hate the hole she created in me. And the habit that kept me attached to her for so long. I hate the feeling that when I need her the most but all that surrounds me is just…emptiness! Its empty because I still want her you know. But she doesnt know, she’s this stupid little freak. All she could understand was me pushing her out of my life. She could never spend a second to stand still and look at the whole picture to see who is still standing there for her. I hate her you know, for always giving up on me, for always being so stupid and never willing to put her pride down for me, not even once!

I pity myself because I am so on the edge of giving up everything and push them all away with my bare hand. My anger…my pain…my hatred…all about to swallow me at once.

I feel so useless with my pain, like I cant stop it. I feel hopeless with my tear, it just keeps pouring down, like I cant see the way out. When has this become my daily basis? And what is the point of me being here…after all?!

Mot ngay vo dinh!

Posted: July 30, 2014 in Uncategorized

Tu hoi khong biet minh dang muon gi can gi? Mong doi cai gi?

Tinh cam la cai gi?

Met moi…

Lam sao moi goi la yeu? Nguoi yeu minh nhu the nao moi goi la yeu va nguoc lai?

Muon roi co roi co roi lai dinh vao bao nhieu la guc mat.

Moi thu la mot dong bui nhui den dui, tu trong tam hon cho den tam thuc. Het am anh nay den am anh khac. Het cuoc cai va nay den cuoc cai va khac. Nuoc mat nhu nhung tran mua rao, luc tanh luc uot!

Niem vui chen lan noi buon. Ngay nay qua ngay khac. Xa xoi cach tro khong co loi di, khong co loi thoat. Cu ngoi mot cho tan huong su tan pha cua thoi gian. Tan huong con quy cua chinh ban than minh. Nhin thay duoc kinh tro thanh mot bong toi vo dinh. Khong con co the nhin thay gi hay suy nghi gi? Khong con du tri tue de hieu de nhan thuc va phan xet dung sai.

Rot cuoc, moi thu tro nen mo ao. Long thi nang triu, dau oc mong lung. Hoi tho cang ngay cang ngan.

Posted: July 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

Bong thay nghen ngao qua, lai chim trong nuoc mat cua chinh ban than minh nua roi! Noi dau con moi nhu ngay hom qua. Nuoc mat cu tuong…nong va dang!

So lam phai khoc trong co don, tu om minh ma an ui, tu om minh ma do danh.

So lam phai khoc vi toi nghiep ban than, trong su co doc va noi dau khong ai hieu…

So lam phai khoc cho so phan, sao kiep nan cu mai nhu vay khong the tot hon!

Posted: July 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

That kho tho va lanh

Moi thu ben trong deu hong

Trong rong va co don

Met moi, buon va dau

…tung dem tung dem mot

Nuoc mat cang ngay cang dang rat, cang ngay cang dau don, cang ngay cang man va den, tung giot tung tran bong rat tuon trao tren da, nong nhu muon thieu rui het tat ca moi cam giac!

Nước mắt thật đắng, đắng tận đáy lòng!

ước gì như trẻ nhỏ, nước mắt chỉ nổi giận hờn vô tri, không hình thức, không mùi vị.

rồi ngày nào sẽ là ngày trái tim bớt ngậm ngùi vì số phận, vì một tình yêu không có hồi kết đẹp?

bạn có thể đi hỏi cùng làng cuối sớm về tôi, nhưng bạn sẽ chẳng bao giờ biết nước mắt tôi…đắng…như thế nào!

 

tôi ơi hãy cố thở, sống cho qua hết những giọt đắng này…bình yên xa xôi quá!

Aside  —  Posted: June 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

hôm nay tôi đã làm đau người tôi yêu. Chẳng có ngôn từ nào có thể diển tả được!

có lẻ…đây cũng là cách duy nhất để giải thoát cô ấy thoát khỏi tôi. Không còn đau đớn, không còn nước mắt, không còn một sự mệt mỏi nào cả. 

tôi xin lỗi đã làm cô đau, tôi biết nỗi đau này cô sẽ chẵng bao giờ quên, cũng chẳng bao giờ tha thứ được cho cả hai, nhưng có lẽ nỗi đau sẽ giúp cô vượt qua nhanh hơn, hận tôi…sẽ giúp cô quên tôi dễ dàng hơn. 

mong cô đừng làm gì nông nỗi, tôi chẳng đáng đâu! 

cảm ơn đã cho tôi một tình cảm thật đẹp, thật chân thành, cảm ơn đã hát cho tôi nghe, ôm tôi lúc tôi buồn, làm cho tôi những món quà thật xinh, mua cho tôi những cái áo thật đẹp, kể chuyện cho tôi nghe, ru cho tôi ngủ…

cảm ơn tất cả những cố gắng cô dành cho tôi, cảm ơn tất cả!

 

hôm nay tôi đã làm cho cô thật đau, nhưng tôi mong nỗi đau sẽ chóng qua, để cô có thể tìm được niềm vui và hạnh phúc. Đừng làm tổn thương mình nhé, con người cô thật đáng trân quý hơn cô tưởng rất nhiều!

Aside  —  Posted: June 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

Mot ngay thang 3!

Posted: March 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

Enough!