Hom nay la ngay gi nhi?…la thu 6, another week is gone. It’s been a while, not long enough for one thing to happen, but long enough for so many things to happen. I’m feeling sick, sick of its repetition, or maybe i really am sick, sick of my own inner contradiction. There’s thing i need to be aware of, and how much longer can I handle the awareness? Yes, i ducked out and betrayed the part that i called “uncertainty”. When its uncertain, its unpredictable, when its unpredictable, its un-controllable, and when its un-controllable, im gonna go wild, the consequence will pay me another deadly visit. I dont want to be in that position again, especially when it can effect another person. Perhaps, I should have let it be a part of nature, instead of pushing it to be a part of my intention. Was it a mistake to make one wish, the wish i thought, changed my entire life? Or was it really meant to be? Do you believe in fate? i dont know. But no, it wasnt a mistake to make that wish. I do have something to gain, but in return, i also do have something to lose. There’s always a price, for everything. However, its a mistake to let myself go beyond the line. And, its my mistake.
Thank you for being a part of it, a part of joy and a part of pain, a part of my past and hopefully, a part of my future. I know and I understand that I’ll never lose that part, but the “undefined-me” is pretty unstable. I just lose it sometimes, lose myself for the wrong judgement. I just need to deal with it my way.
Come to this state, I think its time to let go, off everything. I’m tired of trying to clarify and analyse things, tired of expectation without the acknowledgement of understanding. There’s been a lot of things to realise lately, that depth has never been reached to its full level. I was trying, thing is it was helpless. I kept on trying, but i couldnt see the difference. Perhaps, I shouldnt have tried, at all. Now, I just want to step out, and take part from the outside. I wont abandon the thing i used to believe in and wish for, I just dont want to take it in the same way anymore.