…im not proud of this, but this is who i am….
it feels like, im living somebody else’s life. With lots of awarenesses and doubts. Doubts about my ability to judge, think and feel. Aware of trust, closeness and relationships.
The same question doesnt have an answer “what do i want?”.
why do i have to live such the lamest life? Why do i have to torture myself with the past, my mistakes, things that let me down, things that disappointed me? The more i tried to redefine myself, the much farther i lost, into this unknown space. I feel lonely, but im not lonely. I have a wonderful family, and good friends. But in this space, i can not see them. Why are their existences so blurry right at this second? It feels like they have never left trace in my life, not even once.
i never feel i want to go somewhere far away from this place, this much. I’m bored of this routine. Why do i have to maintain myself from the same matter, over and over again? Why do i have to keep asking myself the same question? How many time i said “im free”? and how many time i have to fight it off when it comes back? This is getting ridiculous.
People say, im thinking too much. They never knew, it’s the most terrible thing that happened to me. I’ve never, once, wanted to live this life, never. But i was born to attach to it. People, yea…people… I’m tired of the same judgement, which, apparently never helped at all.
2 more weeks, before Christmas! I’m so eager to wait for its coming. Not for my little special day, but for Christmas itself. And I wish I could be able to pull off what I always wanted to do.