crazy little freak

Posted: February 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

people say loneliness can be a choice, i guess this choice is now here!

they all crawl out of me. All the darkness!

anger…after all i still cant forgive whatever happened that made me cry. I resent every little thing. When my tears came pouring down, it was when my world was tearing apart, for whatever reason, for whatever cause. But so little the people who made me cry know, those tears were like lava scaring through every part and bit of my heart and soul. I was so afraid I could never forgive whoever made it happened.

to somebody my tears were like jokes to them and for some reason it comforted them because of the pain they knew it was cutting through me. They swallowed all of my pride, all of my ego through those tears and they felt…satisfied.

my pride, they were my pride. You only put your pride down for the person you love, right?! Have you ever done it for anyone? put your pride down, cried for them, begging them to stay with you…even when your heart was shattered, even when you felt so lonely in their company, but you still wanted to stay with them?

i told myself i didn’t try hard enough, to make it work. I always thought, i didn’t try hard enough. So i swallowed everything i felt just to keep trying. But you know, one day it still shattered and the person who always said she loved you, could not even stop giving up for once so she could stand there right in the middle of the crisis and help me, help herself. No she could never stop giving up, because she loved her craziness and she loved to break apart, to break me apart when I needed her the most. She could never endure me for a one little thing. And how many time I had to swallow my pride to stand right in the middle of her madness to keep her with me?! She still thought I dont love her you know.

She was always mad. She was mad even when I tried to help her. She was mad even when I needed her to care for me. She was mad even when I needed her to stay with me. She was still mad even when I pour my heart out to show her who I was, to open myself wide so she could see every bit of me. She didnt like what she saw and she got even madder. She was mad even when I put my pride down to her feet to beg her to stay with me. She was mad, mad with anything, everything. My pride, my dignity, that was all I got. The things that mattered so much to me. The things that I never hardly put down for anyone but I put them down for her and she still could not see it. She still could not stop her own madness to save herself, save me and this relationship for once. For once, and she still could not do it.

my sorrow is now me and i resent her everyday. I hate everything she said and I hate every wrong she’d done that made me cry. I hate the hole she created in me. And the habit that kept me attached to her for so long. I hate the feeling that when I need her the most but all that surrounds me is just…emptiness! Its empty because I still want her you know. But she doesnt know, she’s this stupid little freak. All she could understand was me pushing her out of my life. She could never spend a second to stand still and look at the whole picture to see who is still standing there for her. I hate her you know, for always giving up on me, for always being so stupid and never willing to put her pride down for me, not even once!

I pity myself because I am so on the edge of giving up everything and push them all away with my bare hand. My anger…my pain…my hatred…all about to swallow me at once.

I feel so useless with my pain, like I cant stop it. I feel hopeless with my tear, it just keeps pouring down, like I cant see the way out. When has this become my daily basis? And what is the point of me being here…after all?!

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